remember

When I woke up this morning to the smell of dog in my kitchen, I immediately bristled at the thought. The horrific thought that they messed the floor at such an early time, and that I was going to have to clean it up. Burning eyes and aching body reminded me that 6 hours of sleep was not enough. I pulled back the covers and walked out to find that I was right. Indeed, at 4:30am, the kitchen floor was covered in stench. Sabra & Kayleigh looked at me with guilt in their eyes. They knew Momma' was not happy.

I put the dogs out, thinking of how they would head straight for my perennial beds and dig more holes. Scowling, I grabbed the mop bucket and proceeded to fill with Mr. Clean, lavender scent (which smells horrible alone, but a million times worse when you blend it with dog poop) and water. Who comes up with these concoctions and then thinks they smell like lavender in the end? The bubbles rose to about halfway in the bucket, and my mind rose to anger and frustration. Mental chatter ensued quickly: "I'm sick of these dogs, why must they sh*%^ on my floor...not only this but they ruined my perrenial garden already and the flowers haven't even sprung up out of the ground yet! Maybe I should just get rid of the stupid dogs and then things would be a lot better around here" Then the angel on my right shoulder stepped up to the plate and chimed in "no, that would devastate the children. They would wonder where the dogs went and then I would have to disappoint them. That's not right." Images of Turner and Jacob standing in the livingroom looking at me with sad eyes and slumped shoulders immediately settled that selfish impulse. I settled on the fact that getting rid of animals gestures a certain lack of inner strength and character, and is also a failure to my children, and continued on in the throes of early morning work.

Why do people want dogs anyway? Better yet, why did I want dogs? What is the purpose of a dog that doesn't contribute to the work/economy of the home? Why do they dig holes in my flower beds? Isn't there enough yard for them to dig in that they shouldn't have to choose the beautiful greenery which has just popped up in front of my house for the 5th season in a row?? They don't even herd my sheep, but they do a good job of herding our barn boots and tearing them apart...leaving traces of foot protection all over the property! WHY ME??? WAAAAHHHHH!!!

I tend to feel sorry for myself.

My mind wanders to the fact that I am lonely.

Noone calls me, and I don't call them.

I especially dislike when someone tells me they are going to do something, but then they don't follow through. It says to me that their word is wimpy. They lack inner drive and focus. They think I'm a sucker, and blew me off because I'm not that important. Pride has a tendency to grow, the more a person thinks about how they are the sad one. I think on a recent blowoff, and decide that I will not worry about that person anymore. I'll return the rejection pound for pound. Does that make me crazy? No, it makes me human. The water in the mop bucket fills with poop...and pee...and the lavender scent smells absolutely terrible! Why did I not use vinegar? Something environmentally friendly and organic? Ahhh! The frustration of life?

But life is not just for moaning and complaining. It's for learning and loving. If I continue in this trench of sadness, loneliness, despair...what kind of person am I? It was nailed on the head when thinking of others' lack of maturity! I lack inner drive, focus...I AM a sucker, and I'm PROUD!!! Yikes, how in the world could it be? I reject too. Don't want to look at that fact...I bend down to test the spot where I just mopped with some clean tissue. It's black, or brown rather. The water that is being used to mop is stagnant and filthy. So, I dump it into the toilet and refill with water and Mr. "clean". The same spot is remopped. Tested. Still brown. Why should I keep dumping all of these chemicals into the septic if it doesn't even clean my floor? I settle on washing the floor 10 times with clean, pure water, and then mopping it all at the end with the Mr."clean" solution. Fill, mop, dump, refill, fill, mop, dump, realize toilet is clogged from the recent deposit (thanks to the dogs) refill, and on & on it goes. It's moments like these that truely shape discipline and character. They also make one think about life.

I think of how relationships are a lot like this situation. It's a good metaphor, so I run with it. Sometimes we push the mop bucket around, dragging the mop around on the floor thinking we are cleaning up. Really, we are just dragging around the same old poop. If you do the white glove test on the relationship, you'll find that underneath the clean lavender scent, it's really not that clean after all. Sometimes we spend a few months, a year, a decade, a generation just dragging around the poopy mop, when we really need to refresh, renew, restore with clean water. The question is where does that clean water come from? Where do you safely dump the waste water? People are not toilets. Hobbies are not toilets. Children, animals, material posessions are not toilets! Food is not fresh water, nor is a new house, a new car, a used car, a new outfit, a new boyfriend.

My mind sinks into a deeper mode of thinking. I think upon Christ and His ultimate sacrifice. How he was rudely captured during quiet prayer in the garden. He was tired. He was scared. The men came upon Him, and took Him. Did Jesus put up a fuss? He wouldn't even allow that his best friend protect him. He healed the man whose ear was hacked while Peter tried to defend Jesus. He freely gave away his pride and comfort, while those that despised him (His People..the Jews) rejected him. Not one of His people, but MANY. He was only accepted for a short period of time. Otherwise, his life was very much alone. He spent most of his time preaching the gospel, which most rejected and hated, and saw as rebellion and heresy! Can you imagine going through most of your life feeling like noone liked you, or believed anything you said? (I can.) But seriously though. After realizing noone liked you or believed anything you said, do you think you would freely allow those same people that caused you so much pain to whip, pierce, and murder you on a cross? A cross that you had to carry? To your own death? A cross that you had to hang from your limbs by nails from? I think being perfectly human, I would have to say that I would not allow that to happen. My pride would force me to fight for dear life to save something in which I never had anyway.

One morning of mopping put me into a total tailspin. How dare something as low as a dog (that I chose to own, by the way) awaken me with this mess?!?! It's not like I was previously meditating in my room, crying and sweating beads of blood at the thought of the fact that I was about to die for what I believed in. Nope. Big difference.

I know, maybe I have lost my listening audience. I am a Christian, so this happens to be what occasionally deeply influences my ponderings. Here we are, coming upon Easter Sunday, and I have not been to church in forever! Not consistantly anyway. Not been in the word, or in prayer, or really in a lot of conversation about my faith. Just trying to lay it low. Keep it real. Focus on my current dilemmas...i.e. taxes, cleaning up the farm. Taking care of my responsibility. The gospel applies to the rejection that I feel.

Maybe all of my relationships are just dragging around the dirty water and lack the fresh water of life. Christ referred to himself as the wellspring of life. He told the weak to come to Him when they were thirsty, tired, and he would give them rest. We can pray and he will take away our burdens. So, if we have no way of disposing of the bad stuff (not when you think about it. Where does it all go, really?) and we have no real way of bringing fresh life into our spirit, it seems that Jesus was really onto something. I lack fresh water. I am thirsty. I am tired. I am hungry. Should I go sit down at McDonald's and have a king sized burger meal and wash it down with a big milkshake, and then go home and go to bed? When I wake up in the morning, I'll feel all better. My relationships will be fresh...the dogs will be trained, because I'll train them with all of the extra energy I have from the huge meal I ate the day before. I'll be back to a size 8 and comfortable in my own skin.

The Breath of Life will give me what I need to have true relationship. It starts with him. Noone else can give that. A phonecall will not save me. I need something rich and pure, but not dark chocolate processed from organic dark cacao beans found deep in the amazon.

maybe this rude awakening wasn't so rude after all.

remember Christ.

remember His ultimate

sacrifice during this Easter Season.